Whoops.

Yeah, so, I don't update this ever. What else is new. Not going to apologize or explain or justify because none of that really exists. I just didn't care enough.

Then I watched the documentary Babies, and I care again. So much.

Where to start, where to start. Let's start with this, actually:

http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2011/02/video_rachel_zoes_bump_exposed.html

This is a video for Elle of Rach and RoDge romping around on a bed because this is what pregnant couples do every day while expecting. Here's my one question though: Where is the pregnant woman? I see the skin, I see that her Givenchy pajamas are unbuttoned to reveal...what, now, unbuttoned Givenchy pajamas, what are you trying to reveal to us viewers? Where is the baby bump? Rachel Zoe is evidently seven months pregnant. Or eight now, since it is February. That is so pregnant! I really don't see anything! I see what might be a stomach that, as WWD put it, harbors a large lunch. Or perhaps drank a lot of carbonated drinks right before this photoshoot. Or is inhaling deeply. Really, Rach, I think even Victoria Beckham and Christine Taylor gained more belly than you did:

Victoria Beckham (at left, preggs)
Christine Taylor, also preggs at left. I don't know what the comparison pic is for.

Also, look what I found during that Google search:
AMAZING! I forgot about these Armani ads! They are going to have sex with all of us.

Speaking of sex, as many of "you readers" may know, I am afraid of two things: death and pregnancy. Makes sense since I am so generally bipolar. I can see lots of women being afraid of getting pregnant, hence why the Pill and other contraception in general were invented and why they sell. All out of fear. No one really wants a baby, right? You want something cute, and you like to play with other people's babies, but really, a baby is forever. I tend to say that the only circumstances under which I would have a baby is to save a crumbling marriage. But I am in fact so terrified of becoming pregnant that it is irrational. I have the flu - could I have caught The Pregnancy too?! I'm a little bloated today - better buy a pregnancy test! I had the stomach flu a couple of weeks ago and still wasn't feeling so great so I went to the doctor. I told him that I threw up while sick, which was strange because I haven't thrown up in over a decade. "Is there any chance that you could be pregnant?" he asked. There is Absolutely. No. Chance. In. Hell. that I could be pregnant unless I contracted it from a toilet seat or something. And yet, as I say "No..." it turns into a "NoooooooOOOOHHH??????" Dr. knew better, though, that 99% of the time my stomach is going to be fucked up due to anxiety and the other 1% to an ulcer, which I evidently have, not a baby. Where I am going with this is that people who are as deathly afraid as I am to get pregnant can have a hysterical pregnancy. People that really want to become pregnant but are having difficulty conceiving can also experience a hysterical pregnancy. Funny. In both cases, the patient believes she is pregnant, no matter what: despite gynecology appointments, ultrasounds, weight loss, etc. Sometimes doctors will have to perform a mock delivery in order to "cure" the patient, in addition to giving her a shot of something that makes the bloating go down (the physical effects of pregnancy can and usually do occur during a hysterical pregnancy, hence the patient's strong disbelief that she is actually not pregnant).

We all saw Rachel at the end of Season 3 - RoDger kept pestering her to have that child and she was totally on the fence about it! It would change her whole career, she's 39, she's anorexic, etc etc! Is this a phantom pregnancy that's all going to go away next month? No, the reality of it is that the tabloids would have already headlined this if it were true. The sick, sad truth is that this baby is going to be the size of an apple when it's born because Rachel is not eating for two.

Here are an amalgam of photographs, in random assortment:
I mean, still so glam though. I feel bad for her. She obviously was not mentally in a position to be pregnant because she cannot yet eat properly for herself, even. Who are her doctors?

Ahhhhh I just love Joey so much! Love Rachel and her boyz. They are going to be such great dads.

RoDge is more pregnant than Rachel is in this picture. I can't see as many breast bones on her, at least.

I mean, it's a pregnancy gesture.

The bumpiest she has been.

Baby toys - it's happening.

Can't tell what she's eating. Toast and iced tea? Whatever, it's calories.

Heather and I were discussing (yes, discussing, as in making this part of our conversation) what RoDge and Rachel would be like as parents. Based on this picture, really good ones. I truly believe they are in love - he likes men and she's a tranny, and they are college sweethearts. They also look really good here.

See Rach, your life won't change all that much. This is making me feel better even though I am not allowed to have children of my own. Mainly because I would put all of them in ballet at age three and not let them do anything else. I would live vicariously threw my little prima ballerinas. So creepy!

Speaking of, next entry: Zoe's competition.

It's. On.

Lady Lump (Check It Out!)

I cannot accept credit for that brilliant title; it was Joe. He's a professional.

I'd like to claim that I was waiting for Rachel Zoe to actually start showing before posting any pictures, but the truth is such things as my job and my hobby - watching "30 Rock" - were taking up much of my awake time. Also this is why that brief stint as a Dramatic Writing major at Tisch was just that - a brief stint - and not a career path. (Neither is Art History, but I managed to get a thesis out of that, even if that thesis is now floating somewhere on the bottom of the Hudson.) I am lazy, I don't really like to write because I have terrible instincts about syntax and an even more terrible vernacular, and I get very, very easily distracted. (I sat down to write this post a little over an hour ago and since then have read about three Grub Street articles including this week's New York Diet, took a brief gander at the blog Cupcakes and Cashmere and decided it was boring, looked at some people's New Years photos on Facebook, Gchatted with Jonah, caught up on Terry Richardson's diary, looked up three different yoga studio schedules for tomorrow, checked to see when "Brief Encounter" was ending [today - oops], Wikipedia'd Peter Greenaway, looked up the soundtrack to Somewhere and bought a song from the movie, and tried to find pictures of Leigh Lezark from New Year's Eve because I wanted to see what all the glamorous anorexics did that night.) So, here are some pictures of Zoe finally showing. Though for all we know it can still just be a hysterical pregnancy (more on that later, as it is a personal matter for me as someone who is both hysterical generally and hysterically afraid of pregnancy).

December 12, 2010. I can't tell what is more discerning about this picture: the fact that she is posing next to a food-related sign, or that her thighs DO in fact look like they could fill out a 23" pant leg? (23" is a real woman waist size, according to Uniqlo. I don't care if it's a Japanese retail store and their clothes are thus cut smaller, 23" is just another way of saying "Girls' size 12" which is another way of saying "Sold at Gap Kids" and not a grown-ups store.

December 11, 2010. BEHOLD! That is a different shape than this!

December 16, 2010. Chanel coat falling around the baby bump. Note the concealing handbag; this woman is not missing a beat, and by beat I mean pregnancy-hiding accessories. Keeps the misteré.

December 22, 2010. Such an "I die" face. You can't see much in this photograph but I liked it because it looks like the heeled boots in the foreground are floating. And notice how the tranny heels are living strong. Guess her feet aren't swelling yet, and even if they did she'd probably just have to move up to a size 7. Those alone would give me morning sickness. I applaud this look, since, if I am ever pregnant, heaven and everything holy or not holy forbid, I will be wearing what I am now for nine straight months: Uniqlo henley (normal size), American Apparel sweats the color of purplish cement since they've been washed for so many years, and sandals with wool socks. A real MILF.


January 2, 2011. My take is that she is associating pregnancy primarily with freedom of food and secondarily with birthing a child. I mean, this is what all woman think for the first eight and a half months. Barnard taught me.

January 2, 2011. Baby bump catching the light. Also RoDger Berman is in this picture.

Conversation topic for next post: Dissect this.