Lady Lump (Check It Out!)

I cannot accept credit for that brilliant title; it was Joe. He's a professional.

I'd like to claim that I was waiting for Rachel Zoe to actually start showing before posting any pictures, but the truth is such things as my job and my hobby - watching "30 Rock" - were taking up much of my awake time. Also this is why that brief stint as a Dramatic Writing major at Tisch was just that - a brief stint - and not a career path. (Neither is Art History, but I managed to get a thesis out of that, even if that thesis is now floating somewhere on the bottom of the Hudson.) I am lazy, I don't really like to write because I have terrible instincts about syntax and an even more terrible vernacular, and I get very, very easily distracted. (I sat down to write this post a little over an hour ago and since then have read about three Grub Street articles including this week's New York Diet, took a brief gander at the blog Cupcakes and Cashmere and decided it was boring, looked at some people's New Years photos on Facebook, Gchatted with Jonah, caught up on Terry Richardson's diary, looked up three different yoga studio schedules for tomorrow, checked to see when "Brief Encounter" was ending [today - oops], Wikipedia'd Peter Greenaway, looked up the soundtrack to Somewhere and bought a song from the movie, and tried to find pictures of Leigh Lezark from New Year's Eve because I wanted to see what all the glamorous anorexics did that night.) So, here are some pictures of Zoe finally showing. Though for all we know it can still just be a hysterical pregnancy (more on that later, as it is a personal matter for me as someone who is both hysterical generally and hysterically afraid of pregnancy).

December 12, 2010. I can't tell what is more discerning about this picture: the fact that she is posing next to a food-related sign, or that her thighs DO in fact look like they could fill out a 23" pant leg? (23" is a real woman waist size, according to Uniqlo. I don't care if it's a Japanese retail store and their clothes are thus cut smaller, 23" is just another way of saying "Girls' size 12" which is another way of saying "Sold at Gap Kids" and not a grown-ups store.

December 11, 2010. BEHOLD! That is a different shape than this!

December 16, 2010. Chanel coat falling around the baby bump. Note the concealing handbag; this woman is not missing a beat, and by beat I mean pregnancy-hiding accessories. Keeps the misteré.

December 22, 2010. Such an "I die" face. You can't see much in this photograph but I liked it because it looks like the heeled boots in the foreground are floating. And notice how the tranny heels are living strong. Guess her feet aren't swelling yet, and even if they did she'd probably just have to move up to a size 7. Those alone would give me morning sickness. I applaud this look, since, if I am ever pregnant, heaven and everything holy or not holy forbid, I will be wearing what I am now for nine straight months: Uniqlo henley (normal size), American Apparel sweats the color of purplish cement since they've been washed for so many years, and sandals with wool socks. A real MILF.


January 2, 2011. My take is that she is associating pregnancy primarily with freedom of food and secondarily with birthing a child. I mean, this is what all woman think for the first eight and a half months. Barnard taught me.

January 2, 2011. Baby bump catching the light. Also RoDger Berman is in this picture.

Conversation topic for next post: Dissect this.